Actors fears NO.135

 

Actors fears NO.135

So today my heart’s exploding.  It does this sometimes, rakes itself over the hot coals of traumas of the past and fears for the future and dives headfirst into all the feels and that’s ok, well it’s not, it’s a physical release that’s indicative of a lot of pain I haven’t processed and a lot of things I desperately need to address and change in my life but that’s not the point today, the point is, ok, this happens sometimes but what do I do when it happens on a day like today? 

You see, I’m actually attached to a show at the moment and we’re on tour this weekend and it’s a good show, no it’s a great show with an amazing cast and crew that I have loved every second of working with but when my heart goes boom like this it leaves me, firstly, exhausted, numb and emotionally dry and secondly, automatic defence systems kick in and bury all those ‘feels’ deep down to allow me to survive and function, like antibodies dispatched to sterilise an open wound.  The problem is, I’m going to need access to all those emotions again in a couple of days for the show.  I’m going to need to feel, cry, bleed on stage and now I’m scared that when I turn to my emotional prep, the cupboard’s going to be bare!

I’m not a professional actor.  I’m limited in my training and experience.  I have some instincts and understanding of the job but I can’t rely on learned coping mechanisms that most ‘proper’ actors have likely developed to get me through this.  I’ll work up the scenes again the day before and re-talk myself through all the character’s life events and influences; all their emotions and the meaning behind their words and actions, try to dive deeper and come at it from different angles as sometimes this works to reconnect but sometimes, I just feel desensitised physically, like the well is just empty, I’ve dried up.  What do actors or artists in general, for that matter, do in these situations?  Any advice would be much appreciated!If I figure it out I'll be sure to let you know!